my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
