I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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