They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
