Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
