remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
