My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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