she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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