did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your penis caused this!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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