He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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