Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
