Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
