Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
