Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
