I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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