Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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