He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
