I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
