Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
