oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
