he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
