went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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