If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
