Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
