Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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