I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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