Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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