wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
