I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
