i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
