She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
