then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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