god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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