It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
