I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
