Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
