Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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