You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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