i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
