I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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