i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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