I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
