We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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