don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
