Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
