i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
