I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
