I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
