there's paper in my vomit.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
