I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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