i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
