After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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